Friday, January 12, 2007


I saw him at Gurunath, eating maggi. He seemed to be fully preoccupied with thoughts, as he did not even lift his eyes to look at me, when I stood at his table.

I saw him walking down the road, talking to someone over a cell phone. I smiled at him, as I usually do. His eyes met mine, but they didn’t seem to recognize. He walked past, still speaking. I could see something missing.

I saw him at Tiffanys. Precariously balancing coffee in one hand and a file in the other, and walking through the maze of tables. I tried again to strike a conversation with him, but something in me warned. I heeded the warning and left.

After a few more similar events, I started thinking about him. We used to talk and chat freely all the while. Neither he nor I ever hesitated to start a conversation before. Yet, now here I am shy and hesitant.

As I started thinking more about it, many thoughts began to arise. Will he mind if I go and talk to him as usual? Or will he find it offensive, as a sign of mockery? Will he take my silence as lack of my care for him? That is the last thing I want, to be perceived as a fair weather friend. I wanted to talk to him, tell him that I am with him, hear what he wanted to say, and console him if possible. But something in me is preventing me from doing it. Is it a characteristic to this place? Or did I fail to develop intimacy with him? No, we are good friends! Lack of intimacy is not the reason. Why this stale-mate then?

I was pondering over it, when the reason dawned upon me. I was in a similar situation, times when I thought of The Fountainhead and Ayn Rand. Some of my close friends too went into silent mode during that period and almost forgot me. One day, I could not hold it up any longer and called up one of my friends, and asked him why he forgot me. He replied, “Machha don’t know how you would take it.” I am in his place now, hesitant to talk to the other one.

My dear friend, I am with you, ready to share your feelings. Please don’t take my silence for indifference, and don’t count me out. The only fact is that I lack words!


[Dedicated to the guy, still awaiting placement.]


Anonymous said...

maccha u have done a good job by enabling anonymous comments.well u know what - reading the first 2 paras of ur feelings blah blah i felt that u have become a GAY !! and thought who this gay partner of urs cud be

neway nice finishing though

hope u still remain straight :P

Sri Vallabha said...

thanks da, Mr Anonymous RG.