My Ramaiah Days-7(Resnick and Halliday)

Walking along the road, I asked A** "Do you have a Resnick and Halliday?"."Yes" he replied hesitatingly.I didn't sense any reason for hesitation and asked him "Can I have those problems xeroxed?".I was confounded by his reply.He thought for a while and said "I am sorry.The book will be split open if xeroxed.I can't give it for a xerox".This is the first time that I was listening to that "funda" (as we call in IIT).The class was just over and we were asked to solve all the problems from the first chapter of Resnick and Halliday.

I didn't know that it was a very important book.Thinking that a xerox will do, I was tempted to ask this guy.He used to walk back with me to the main road,where he took an auto home,along with a few other friends of mine.It was already a month since we met,and I was foolish again to expect help from people.

I didn't know what to do.I was thinking all the while about the homework.I didn't even know where Adarsh Book Depot (the official store for IIT books)was.And I really felt shocked for the second time.(You remember the question paper story on the second day, I suppose.) All the way home I was thinking of nothing but his reply.

"You can imagine a sphere as a collection of disks and proceed"Mr. Surendranath was lecturing.I was able to understand that a sphere can be seen as a collection of disks. That's ok,but what to do?Where to proceed?I realised that I missed out something important, thinking of this Resnick and Halliday fiasco.I felt stupid.Why is this eating into my brain? Perhaps it was the first time I was listening to that funda.

Luckily Arun came to my rescue.He is one of those friends I mentioned above.[Later this fellow was to become the best friend I ever had in Hyderabad.He was the one who understood me,my problems and stood by me in times of need.](Thank you very much,my dear Arun.)He told me"Vallabha,I have a Resnick.Come to my home and get it xeroxed this sunday".I will never forget the way I was recieved by his parents.His mother treated me like her own son and his father spoke to me very well.By that time Arun already knew about the trouble I was facing there.I think he had told his parents about this.His father narrated his journey to IIT and I felt very much at home.I got the book xeroxed and that problem ended there.Of course, its an entirely different issue that ,later,not only did I come to know where Adarsh was,but also bought myself a Resnick and Halliday.

Saa(re)rang

"What is the musical instrument made from clay,and derived its name from it?" I stood there,staring at the question trying to guess the answer.I was neither good at music nor the instruments related it.I answered,and U replied "Its wrong." As I was a coordinator of I** , U let me take another chance.I took out another slip."What's the biggest temple of south India,with the longest pillared corridor of 1219 mts?"This time I didnot hesitate, "Madhura Meenakshi temple" I answered.U replied,"wrong again".I stood there, dumbfounded."What's wrong with me?I questioned myself.Why am I going wrong?"

As far as I am concerned,I rate myself as one with some knowledge of ancient India.I know that I am not a genius in that field,but I never thought I would fail that way.I started feeling lost for the second time.

That previous time I felt lost was yesterday evening.I walked out for the first time into Saarang,to attend the Choreo-Nite at 5:00pm in the evening.My friend was in one of the participating teams,and so I went there to watch his performance. People were moving around,in colourful dresses,looking tired,still fumbling with the event schedules,even in the evening.I walked looking around for any familiar faces. Not many were around, and most of the people I knew were moving here and there with coord badges dangling around their necks.I stood there, feeling lost in my own college, the place where I have been living since three years.

Suddenly,I spotted a group of my classmates,God sent people.They too were there to attend the Choreo-Nite."Thank God" I said to myself.I was quick enough to associate myself with the group,and made sure that I didn't seperate from them.I still do not understand why I felt lost,in my home turf.May be those events that don't match my wavelength, all those people I percieve to have descended from another world,made me feel so.I came back as soon as my friend's performance was over.Luckily his team was the third one to perform. My class-mates wondered why I was leaving so early,but I wasn't interested in other performances any way.I walked back to my room and dropped down to an early sleep.

And this quizzing early today morning, gave me a feeling of being struck in a quagmire.All the way back to my room,my mind was racing with thoughts.What happened to me? What happened to all that general knowledge I had greedily gobbled up during my school days?I was known to be good at quizzing then.How did I forget all these?

Finally while I was leaving,U gave me another suggestion,"Come on da,acads is not everything".I replied without any feeling of being hurt,"I know da,acads isn't everything.There is something much more than acads..." what next?I couldn't figure out what to speak.Amnesia again,I thought.

I came back determined to put all these in words, to express myself in one way I was good at-writing.

Of suggestion and complaints about My Ramaiah days

Thanks to my friends and others who have painstakingly read my blog,I started getting whole lots of suggestion,complaints, and jibes too.I will start off in the chronological order.

1."Looks as if you want to portray those people as devils.Why don't you write your opinions,rather than writing your experience?"-Dont know whether he would like his name to be mentioned.

2."Are bhai,why don't you write about the peaceful life you are enjoying in IIT?Why do you want to evoke those poignant memories?"-Rajeev.

3."Why dont you bring in an interesting character,say a girl?"-Sravan,my friend from IIT KGP.

4." Dear Vallabha
What did u mean by "I "really" grew up and was always 2nd or 3rd in my class"! Think about it. How would your blogs had been had u performed well at ramiah ? By ur own admittance u felt "confident" being made to sit in the front benches . So don't u think that ur angst is more due to urself and less due to how u have been treated?"
-"I am what you want me to be "[ I don't know who this guy really is.This was a comment to one of the episodes.]

5."Your story is unclear at times,though your description is immaculate"-PS

Let me explain:I wanted to write this because I wanted to tell people about my experiences,my difficulties,my feelings and all the trauma I had underwent.

1.Opinions differ and I feel there is no point in shouting to a crowd about what I think. Instead let them "have the facts" or know one true "story".Its for them to opine.

2.All is well that ends well.

3.This is my life and not some fictitious story.So,no inventing characters.

4.By the statement "I really grew up slowly and was always 2nd or 3rd in class,I was talking about my height.[The physical height,you metaphysical genius,who interpreted it in an other way.]The seating in my class was always based on how high a boy was.I was short,to be clear.Hence was always seated in the first bench.Had I done well at Ramaiah,I wouldn't have written this at all.True,take me as some crazy idiot.If you feel I am biased,then I advise you,please stop reading my blogs.
This blog is "world through my eyes,the way I percieved it".My anger is definitely at the way I was treated.If you are patient enough , wait for the future episodes, when
everything gets clear.Atleast,I hope so.

My Ramaiah days-6(The journey)

I shifted my weight onto the other leg,and cast an uneasy glance at my watch.It was almost 40 minutes since I came there.The august sun was blazing mercilessly. Lots of vehicles were moving this way and that.Trucks,cars and predominantly bikes carrying young people made enough din and irritated my nostrils.I shifted slowly into the shade of a mango tree and leaned against a pillar supporting the bus-shelter.

I had been waiting all the while, for a bus.I had a class at 4:00 pm every evening. Owing to the fact that I was too young for a bike,and that my uncle lived in a place far away from Ramaiah,I had to take a bus to attend my classes.

Ramaiah is well known for its punctuality. They would drive you out,even if you were late to the class by a minute.[Good things have to be appreciated.I developed my sense of punctuality owing to their strictness.Thanks!] I would start everyday by 2:00pm. Don't laugh at me.For I didn't know how valuable an hour was, to someone in Ramaiah. I was foolishly minimising my risk of being turned out. So,everyday I would be there at the bus-stop,faithfully by 2:00pm.Though the journey wouldn't take more than 45minutes by bus,I never risked starting just before an hour.

Slowly a shiver started down my spine.Will the bus never come?I pulled out my wallet to see how much cash it had.It was hardly sufficent to hire an auto.Finally much to my relief, I sighted a bus taking a turn and proceeding towards the bus-stop. "Oh no" I said to myself.It was 47D and it would take me to Punjagutta,to the main road just 3km away.I got into the bus and sat down.In a few minutes I was in Punjagutta, stranded again in another bus-stop.

Finally I was able to get into a fully packed bus heading towards VST. I slowly nudged my way to the middle.It was a tedious exercise.When ever some body wanted to alight,I had to bend completely over to oneside,avoiding the big sack called "bag" hanging on my back, from hitting them. People were very impatient about such things and when ever something blocked their way, they would shout.So I had to be very careful to avoid their wrath.

Finally,I was at the VST bus-stop(near Ramaiah) by 3:25pm. I got down, stretched myself and walked into a nearby cafe.Sipping tea,I tried hard to overcome the sleepiness,that had sprung up due to all that acrobatics in the bus. By 3:40pm I was in the class,in my last seat.Generally after all this hardship, I could hardly concentrate in the class.I would at times drop into sleep,only to find myself missing important parts of the lecture.In retrospect,I feel nothing could me much better,nor worse,ever in my life!

The classes would be over by 8:00pm,and I would start back,on the same route.This time I would generally get a seat,as it was out of any office timing.If I was very lucky, 113Y would come, to drop me at a walkable distance away from my home.During such times,I would tell someone beside me to wake me up at Yousufguda,and fall asleep. Some people were very willing to help,once they came to know that I was a Ramaiah student. I remember one very helpful co-passenger announce "Sure,I will wake you up.You will be working very hard there, and need a lot of sleep".

My Ramaiah days-5(The kick-back)

I rolled in bed uneasily.All the while I was aware that,I was chanting "amma,amma" in pain.I looked up at the watch.2:45am,it said.This was the fourth day of my fever.I didn't know why or how I caught it,but it felt horrible.

It all started like this.Three days ago,after class I started walking back to the bus-stand.I felt frail and weak.I could not walk.Hardly had I carried myself to the bus-stand,I almost felt like collapsing.I rang up home,and told uncle of the situation.He asked me to take an auto back home.It took 45minutes, and as soon as I came,I fell flat on the bed.Since then,I was hardly able to get up.

I was delirious at times,thinking of my mother and all that she would do in that situation.I couldn't sleep at night,and was literally down.I sincerely hoped that my uncle would send me home,once and for good.The doctor was a family friend of ours,and came to see me.I thought ,he would tell them that I was home sick,but alas he didn't.And all my hopes proved futile.

After a week,my father came to see me.I burst out into tears on seeing him.He tried consoling and cazoling me.But nothing would stop me.I urged,begged and pleaded with him to take me back home.He stayed there for three days and left with out me. After a day or so,I had to go back to the institute.

While we were first seated in the class,I was in the third row.And it would be imprudent for me to explain that these seating orders were based on one's performance in the exam.All of us understood this without being told.I felt a bit confident and at the same time horrified to be there.Now,it is also to be understood without any mention that if one is absent from the class for more then two days without informing the reason,he/she is bound to be kicked back to the last row in the class,to the chair that is farthest away from the teacher.

So,I came back to find that I was kicked-back to the last row.It was a centre seat, directly opposite to the teacher.It became my permanent seat for the rest of my life there.The number of students before me,all attentive and concentrating made me feel dumb.

In my school,seating was based on height.And me being one of the shortest boys in the class, was unmistakably in the first bench.I felt bad at times to be short.I wanted to be somewhere behind,so that I could talk to friends during classes.Day after day, my friends would be narrating there back bench adventures.All the goose-berries they ate, the pen-games they played,home works they copied during class hours.I felt a strong sense of wanting, to be there.But I really grew up slowly,and was always the second or third boy from the first.So, I didn't have the chance to be there.

I knew that such wasn't the situation here,and a back bencher meant some one hopeless to be trained.Teacher here never really cared for them, and they would be the first ones to be punished in case of a mishap.I felt something choking my mouth to speak,and something barring me from raising any questions or doubts.I felt that I wasn't entitled to any attention,and that I was supposed to suffer.It intimidated me.

Thus started the greatest change in my life.
"Life from a back bencher's perspective"

The greatest misfortune

Can there be a greater misforunte than being misunderstood without being given a chance to explain?It's like "You are an idiot,you are a rogue,you are a criminal and... ....no,no, don't try talking.If you try giving explanations, the sword hanging over your head will fall and kill you". Are yaar,ye kyaa hai?

It is likely that people misunderstand actions and words.After all the world is so complex,languages so profound,and people are so intransigent that misinterpretations and misunderstandings are regular occurences.No harm till then.

But the problem snowballs when explanations are denied.May be some one is really at fault,but atleast oneshould be given a chance to explain what the circumstances were that led one to that situation.And the greatness of a person lies in understanding this and (may be,in trying to)forgive the culprit.

Not all crimes can be forgiven,but at the same time there is no crime that isn't worth giving the accused a chance to plead.I am not talking of those "organised crimes" where motives are as clear as a day.I am talking about "emotion driven mistakes" which the law calls crime.It's really difficult to find fault in such situations, where even the jury would have done the same thing as the accused.

Emotion-a "boon" or "curse", I can't tell for sure.After all, it's emotion that makes a father happy at the antics of his child,it's emotion that makes your sister/brother the most lively person on the earth[sorry, single children],it's emotion that drives a granny to pamper her grandchild.I think it's not improper to attribute the orderliness in today's world ,to an extent to emotion.

At the same time it's emotion that drives people mad in certain situations.It's emotion that supresses equanimity,it's emotion that leads to hate and dislike among people.Hence,it is the very same emotion ,that also leads to disorderliness in the world.

The final word is always the same."There can be no light,without darkness.There can be nothing good,without bad.There can be no coin with just one side.And last but not the least,there can be no emotion without commotion".

I am a coward

I am a coward.Yes, I am.

I am afraid of being called a badboy, that's why I don't resort to mischief.

I am afraid of breaking rules, so I remain disciplined.

I am afraid of being called selfish ,that I do some things though they trouble me.

I am afraid of being termed eccentric, that I refrain myself from simple joys,which please me immensly.

I am afraid of an accident,that's why I speed only on my bicycle.

I am afraid of speaking my heart out, so that I may not hurt others,as well as invite trouble.

God,grant me courage.

And I think I am a sage,that I don't do many a thing that are common.May be its human psychology.No one accepts that he is a coward.So this fear manifests itself in the form of "hate".

Now, I hate all the above said things.And that's why I don't do them.

I am not a coward,but a man with lot of commonsense.

I didn't know

At first, I didn't know many things in this world. This first can be any thing.I still don't know what this first really is..

I didn't know that there would be joy more wonderful than rain accompanied by the beautiful rainbow,than the music of rain drops trickling through leaf tips,than the sweet fragrance of soil that welcomes the rain.

I didn't know how one can be elated and be extremely ebullient about something, even if it is just a dream.

I didn't know that life could more joyous when you have someone to think of you, rather than being alone.

I didn't know how all those great poets are made out of common men.

On the other hand, I also didn't know that there are other things in the world apart from happiness and joy.

I didn't know that life could be more miserable than being stranded all alone on an island.

I didn't know that one can experience hell directly on earth with just one dream being ripped in bud.

I didn't know that all the elements of nature which support life can also debilitate one with nostalgia.

I didn't know that there could be a bigger failure in life than what?.I dont know.

I didn't know that there are other parameters in this world, weighted greater than sincerity and commitment.

I didn't know that there would be people whom you believe to be friends,but are totally unworthy of sharing any of your joys or sorrows.

I didn't know that seeking help could harm more than actual destruction, and sink you down into a deep quagmire.

I didn't know that people would believe you to be still immature even in the third year of your graduation.

I didn't know that you will have to supress your feelings(and sneezes too), just because you are in a cultured society.

And I still don't know a lot many things.

I still don't know how to understand people.

I still don't know how to prove that I am believable.

I still don't know how to prove my commitment.

I still don't know how to establish that I am differently different,though I know that I am.

I still don't know what other things are there in this world that I need to know.

My Ramaiah days-4(Beginning of the Dark Days)

The first week passed almost with out any other incident.At first everything was normal, but after some fifteen days or so,I started feeling home sick.On the second sunday, after a test I came back home and told my I uncle that I wanted to leave.I told him that I was unable to follow anything taught there and that I wanted to drop off.It was normally said and my uncle didn't mind.[It had already been "explained" to parents by Mr.Ramaiah that, most of the students will not be able to follow what is being taught there for some three months.Thanks.]He thought that it was a casual outburst of homesickness.So he did nothing in particular to pacify me.

Thus started the darkest days of my life.I felt more and more home sick and the desire to go home snowballed.I thought of nothing but of my home in Ponnur, my friends and everything associated with my life there.Even people very distantly know to me in Ponnur seemed to be my closest friends.

Hyderabad started appearing gloomy day by day.Everything there looked scary and dull. Sorry to my Hyderabadi friends, but I started despising the city with all my heart. I knew no moment of happiness there for two long years.All I knew in life was gloom and sorrow.Nothing else.

I also had a problem adjusting with those city people.That a city is so unwelcoming to an young villager [I am one,for mine was a very small town]troubled me a lot.People so busy with their jobs,rushing on their daily business,without a moment to hear to someones woes[I don't blame them,for I am able to comprehend now].I didn't even have friends to whom I could pour out all my sorrows.I suppressed everything and lifelessly went about.I lost my ebullient self.

May be my mother,for that matter anyone who had known me earlier would have made out the difference in my behaviour.But since I was new to the people there, no one noticed.And the fact that no one was bothered about me[I pictured so]troubled me still more.